For So Many Reasons
by Donna Q
Summary: An Adrift POV. Mac finally tells someone how she feels


DISCLAIMER: JAG and all associated characters are the property of  
Bellasario productions, CBS, and Paramount. No copyright infringement  
is intended. Believe me, I'm not making any money.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is a strange little drabble that occurred to me  
at 2:00am in the morning. It bothered me to the point I had to  
actually get up and try to capture it. (Yes, I was late for work this  
morning and yes, I am beginning to doubt my grasp of reality- I am  
now officially obsessive). I don't think I did the idea justice, I  
couldn't quite find the words...whether it was the hour or my  
inadequacy I'm not sure yet.  
You can't say you weren't warned...  
  
ARCHIVE: Yes, as long as my name stays with it.  
  
FEEDBACK: If you feel so moved, it's always a pleasure.   
  
  
  
For So Many Reasons  
  
"I do love you..." Mac's hand clenched his tightly as she leaned  
forward. "for so many reasons."  
  
Looking into his eyes, she felt herself get lost in their depths as  
she attempted to put into words how she felt.   
  
"I love you because-  
  
because when I look into your eyes I see your love for me, so strong,  
and so clear." A moment and then "I see me as you see me...someone of  
value, someone worth loving." Taking a breath to steady herself Mac  
continued.   
  
"Because every time I look at you I can see the future. I see  
kids...I see growing old together...I see the family I never had.  
Because I see someone that I can count on, that I know will give up  
everything for me. Because whenever you're in the room you make me  
happy." Tears began to fall slowly down Mac's face as she continued.   
  
"I know I've never actually told you that before-but I do love you.  
That's what makes this so hard." The tears came harder as Mac began  
to cry in earnest, her voice cracking as she continued.  
  
"I love you, but I love him too." Feeling him tense in shock, she  
choked as she tried to explain.  
  
"I love you for so many reasons Mic, but I love him beyond reason-or  
maybe for no reason. I don't know how to explain it." Stumbling for  
words, Mac haltingly tried to explain "Everything I've told you is  
true Mic, but with Harm..."  
  
"With Harm I don't have to look into his eyes to know that he loves  
me. I just know. It's a warmth, a truth that I can feel in my heart  
without ever having heard him say the words. I hear it when he says  
my name, or when he holds the door for me. With him, I don't have to  
imagine what my life would be like. I know exactly what it would be  
like...I've dreamt so often of being with him, of our kids...of our  
family." Pausing for breath, Mac felt her heart breaking at the pain  
she could see shimmering in Mic's stunned eyes. Not wanting to cause  
him additional anguish, but knowing he deserved the truth, she  
continued.  
  
"I'm so sorry Mic. I need you to understand. Harm...he doesn't live  
his life around me, he lives it with me. He doesn't give up anything  
for me, he just gives to me. There aren't any grand sacrifices to  
guarantee my affection, only small gestures that remind me of his."  
Mac inhaled a painful breathe, she felt as if she were tearing every  
good thing Mic had done for her down- but she just wanted him to  
understand. Determined she started again " He doesn't have to make me  
happy Mic, he's the reason I'm happy. He doesn't even have to be in  
the room-because he's never more than a thought away. " She paused  
trying to gather her thoughts.   
  
"I know I'm not saying this very well, and I know you think I'm being  
cruel by saying this at all...but I don't intend it that way. I love  
you. I do Mic. But the fact is I have reason to love you. I've  
convinced myself, and you, that I love you -- because it's the right  
thing to do. Because you love me, and it's logical to love you back.  
You're a good man with everything I'm looking for and so much to  
offer..."  
  
Mac's heart twisted as Mic lowered his eyes, trying to hide the hint  
of moisture in his eyes and the growing resentment she could see  
beginning in the tightening of his mouth and jaw.  
  
" I know you probably hate me right now... I wish I could change  
things. Go back in time a few months, and stop this before everything  
went this far. But I can't. I'm not even entirely sure I would. I  
regret hurting you Mic, but if I had never fallen in love with  
you....for so many reasons... then I wouldn't realize that I loved  
Harm... for none."  
  
"You deserve the same Mic. You deserve someone that will love you  
beyond all reason, for no reason ...just for being you," Mac's voice  
dropped to a sad whisper "and that's not me. It's not fair for either  
of us to go on pretending that it is." Trembling slightly, she  
released Mic's hand and reached over to slide his ring off her left  
hand. Dropping it into his palm she watched as his finger's convulsed  
closed in reflex.   
  
Mic stood without a word. Turning, he grabbed his jacket from the  
couch and made for the door. "Mic..."  
He paused without turning. "I hope one day you find someone that can  
show you what I'm talking about-and I hope you're both very happy.  
You deserve it." Her voice broke once again as she watched the man  
who had been such an important part of her life for more than a year  
walk away.  
  
Without so much as glancing back, Mic stepped out of Sarah  
Mackenzie's door, out of her apartment, and out of her life.   
  
"I'm sorry Mic, I'm so sorry." Mac's tear laden words lingered in the  
air of her empty apartment. "Maybe one day both of us will get what  
we want." And with that final lament, Mac clutched a pillow to her  
stomach, curled up on the couch and considered the man she had just  
hurt deeply and the man she couldn't help but love.   
  
Somehow, someway, for absolutely no reason at all, she knew it was  
all going to be OK. Mic would eventually realize this was for the  
best...and Harm, well, it might take a little more time, but she was  
certain that soon he would realize that Renee was all wrong for him.  
For so many reasons...  
  
The End.   
  
Sappy, I know.  
Hope you enjoyed- have a great weekend.  
  
Donna  



End file.
